An Unexpected Reunion, Part Five

The coffee shop was as crowded as the rest of the mall, but it somehow still managed to seem like a peaceful haven from the chaos.  By the time we’d gotten our drinks, two seats had opened up on a love seat in the corner.  There were soft lights shining down on it, meant for reading, but it was otherwise a dark corner of the small store.  We sat down and found ourselves so close together, I almost shoved little Bridget into his arms and ran.  Our bodies were touching from hip to knee and the love seat was small enough that there was no way to get away from each other.  Our arms were also pressed together from shoulder to elbow.  I sat stiffly, trying to lean away from him. 

He softly cursed. “This is ridiculous, Dana.  We used to sit closer than this and not bat an eyelash! We used to seek it out!  We can certainly stand to touch for a little while so that we can talk.” His arm suddenly lifted and curved around my shoulders and pulled me closer.  I closed my eyes and fought the urge to lean my head into the curve of his neck.  The years fell away and I once more felt that I’d come home, that I was where I was supposed to be. 

I stiffened, pulled away and shifted so that my back was against the arm of the love seat.  I curled my leg up, tucked my foot under my other knee, and left one leg dangling off the side of the couch.  I snuggled into the corner of the couch, using the back to help hold the weight of the baby in my arms.  She was getting heavy after so long, but I wasn’t about to give her up.  I was hiding behind her, using her to shield myself from the feelings this man caused in me.

“I can’t blithely pretend life hasn’t moved on, Simon, and I know you can’t either.” I stared a challenge at him and after a minute, he looked away.

“You’re right.  I have never forgotten how you threw me aside.” His eyes rushed up to meet mine, and I caught my breath.   I’m not sure I’d ever believed that eyes were the window of the soul until that moment, when I was sure I could see more hurt and pain in the depths of his blue eyes than he would ever want me to glimpse. I wanted to cry. He said, “Why, Dana? That’s what I never understood.  We were growing closer, not farther apart.  And we knew we were facing a test of our relationship with the distance between our schools.  And then, with a swift kick straight to my heart, you just said we were over.  There was no ‘we’ anymore.”

I looked away. I studied the top of the baby’s head because I couldn’t stand to see the anguish in his eyes. I tried to gather my thoughts to defend the decision I’d made.  It didn’t seem like a logical decision now.

“I’m sorry, Si.  I really am.  I did what I felt was right at the time,” I said.

“But, why?  Just answer me that.  What was the real reason? Maybe if I know that I can let it go.” I laid my head against Bridget’s hair and closed my eyes.  My throat tightened and my eyes burned, but I told myself I wouldn’t, couldn’t, cry.

“I was scared,” I whispered through the threatening tears.

“Of me?” He asked incredulously.  I opened my eyes and looked at him.

“No, of this,” I nodded my head at Bridget. “Do you remember when my period was late and we thought I was pregnant?”

He nodded wordlessly.

“Well, I just knew that if we kept up like we had been, it would be true before too long,” I said.

“I would have loved that, Dana! I always wanted to marry you and have a family with you. I thought you wanted that too.” His voice was soft and rough, scraping like sandpaper against my raw emotions.

“I did, Simon. I wanted it. But I wanted it in the future. After we’d finished college and started our careers.  I didn’t want either of us to miss out on our freedom because we made a mistake one day in the heat of the moment.” I looked at him, hoping he’d understand.

“You just up and made this decision without talking with me about it?  What the hell is that about, Dana?” He frowned at me.

“I’m sorry. You don’t know how sorry I am.” I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. Damn, I thought. I was crying.

“I’m sorry too.  If you’d talked with me about how you felt…damn. If I’d known how you felt, we could have done something about it!”

“What could we have done? Seriously, when we got to see each other over weekends and on breaks, it was all we could do to keep our hands off of each other during a dinner with our families! What would you have changed?” I looked around, hoping our emotional exchange wasn’t drawing attention. We had been speaking quietly, but I was worried someone would see my tears or sense the intensity and interfere.  This conversation would have been better somewhere private.

“I don’t know, but I would have thought of something. Instead you took the option out of my hands.”  He sat forward, leaning his elbows on his knees and jamming his hands through his dark hair.  He snorted suddenly.

“The hell of it is that I can’t even regret that it happened the way it did.  If you hadn’t dumped me, I never would have hooked up with Mary, and I never would have had my girls.”  He turned and stared at me. I raised an eyebrow.

“My girls are precious to me,” he said. “I wouldn’t trade them for anything.”

“I understand, Simon.  You must have loved their mother very much.” My tears were finally slowing down and I was happy to move on to a subject a little less hard on my heart.  Although, in actuality, it killed me that he’d found love with another woman.  He’d made a life and a family with someone else, and I was still trying to find a man who could compare to my memories of him.

He laughed harshly. “Loved her? No, not that.  The one decent thing she did in our life together was give me Bridget and Effie.  In everything else, she was a selfish bitch.”

My mouth gaped open in shock.  “What?” I said.

Then we heard Effie’s voice rising above the murmur of the crowd in the shop, “Daddy! Daddy! I saw Santa Claus!” And then her little body was hurtling into him for a hug.  She expected him to catch her and he didn’t let her down. He scooped her into his arms and squeezed her tight, burying his face in her neck. I could hear the exuberant smacking kisses he was leaving there.  She giggled and squirmed in his arms.

“What was he like, Effie?” He asked her as he let her slide back to the floor.  She grinned at him and danced around in a circle.

“He was wonderful!” She enunciated carefully.  He grinned at Effie and then looked up as his mother joined them.  She carried a small bag which held the photographer’s logo on it.

“She loved every minute of it, Simon. She stood very nicely in line and waited her turn patiently.  Well, impatiently,” Mrs. Wright smiled at her little granddaughter. “But, she did wait. And when it was her turn, she talked poor Santa’s ear off.”

“What did you say to him, Effie?” He asked her.

“I asked for a new mommy.” The little girl announced loudly.  Simon, me and his mom just stared at her.  Effie watched me.  Suddenly, the conversation Simon and I had shared, the weight of the lovely little baby in my arms, and the hopes of that small four year old all overwhelmed me.  I thrust Bridget at Simon and muttered hasty goodbyes and I trotted away from the small family.  What was I thinking earlier?  I could have lived without meeting Simon’s children! Talking with him about our past could have waited an eternity.  Going to the mall that day had been a very bad idea.

Read the whole story here: Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven, Part Eight, Part Nine, Part Ten, and El Fin